An Exploration of Anger and a Broken Computer
How do you feel about anger?
I have been asking myself that question for the last week or so and today something happened that could be a situation to express anger. As I feel and reflect what is happening moment by moment, I wonder if I am stuffing it or transmuting it or in denial.
Throughout my life, I have expressed anger at my husband and at my kids and my parents and my friends and even God. A quite memorable foot stomping and fist waving and cursing God in the spring of 2011 reminds me that I really do know how to use my voice and express my anger.
This morning, I woke up early to lead a meditation. My computer screen was frozen. After about 15 minutes, I pushed the off button to force it to quit. Waited a few minutes, pushed the on button and waited again for it to turn on. The wheel kept spinning and spinning and spinning without ever engaging in a turn on.
I was scheduled to lead Day 2 of a Sacred Sanctuary Writing Space Meditation at 6 am and I needed access to Instant Teleseminar to mute the callers and start the recording. At 8am, I had a radio show which required access to BlogTalk Radio to click on the music and open the telephone lines for the guest and callers. And so on throughout my day.
My housemate, Laurel, had her computer on the kitchen counter and I was able to access Instant Teleseminar and lead the meditation. First hurdle complete.
I called my Voices of Love co-host, Liz Draman, and asked her to run the computer portion of the radio show.
My housemate, Damian, offered to give me a ride to the computer store on his way to work.
At the computer store, I discovered that it is going to be three days until they can look at the computer and diagnose the challenge. They responded to my request to charge my iPhone for 15 minutes with a yes.
I easily found the bus back to Venice and walked home to lead coaching calls, respond to email and finish this blog. (Laurel’s computer was available for the day)
I finally canceled the Voices of Peace Community Call because it is the 4th of July week, group calls have been really light and it feels like an internal yes to slow down.
Am I am angry?
So far my process has been to feel the sensation in my body. A buzzing curiosity, methodical focus and stillness. I am amazed and in awe of how I have been supported all day. I feel calm and there are moments filled with joy. While on the bus, I saw a little girl at a bus stop jumping up and down with excitement as the bus appeared. The bus driver and I shared a smile and a chuckle.
This feels like another journey in life. Am I “supposed” to be angry because my computer is broken and I am inconvenienced and it is going to cost me money?
As I walked down the street, I clenched my fist and stamped my feet to see if I could invoke some anger. I broke into laughter instead.
Eight hours later, I am tired although getting only five hours of sleep could be the reason for that.
It feels like it is a message from the universe to slow down, take a break and step away from the computer for a few days.
At this moment, I am feeling grateful that in the experience today I was so fully supported and all of the life experiences so far have shown me the difference between an inconvenience and a life crisis.
If anything changes I will let you know…
What is YOUR relationship to anger?