Tag Archives: Parenting

I Am What I Am…the Journey of Life

Day 88 of 100 days of bloggingI feel like I just got kicked in the stomach. My youngest daughter called and left a message on my phone. Her car was parked on the street in front of her apartment and was rear ended by a hit and run driver last night. She is in college in California and living on her own. Her car insurance has a $1,000 deductible. Hard to tell what the damage is and if it is worth fixing.This is a mess!

For the last week, I have been working on the East Coast. Developing leadership in Heal My Voice. Listening to the words of women. Editing stories. Attending a baby shower for my oldest daughter. Leaping to the next level…

At this moment:

*I feel discouraged. Defeated. One step forward and two steps back.
*I feel like I am a bad mother.
*I feel I should be in California living with my daughter instead of living on my own and traveling back and forth to the East Coast to work with women at the Chrysalis House.
*I feel like my priorities are messed up and I should be more available to my adult daughters.
*I feel that I should have…

Actually… this is bullshit.

The truth is:

*My daughter wasn’t in the car and she is safe.
*She has a bike to ride to school.
*She has the money to get the car fixed, if she chooses to do that.

*I believe in the power of my daughter to figure this out.
*I believe in the power and strength of my daughter to learn and grow from this experience.
*I believe that she will survive and thrive and bloom.
*I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing the work that I feel called to do.

*I do not want to live my daughter’s life for her.

There is always an old story I can tell myself about all of the choices I have made in my life and here is the truth:

*I have no regrets that I home schooled my children instead of building a career.
*I have no regrets that I started Heal My Voice and have devoted my life to a mission of empowering women to heal and lead.
*I have no regrets that I divorced my first husband and gave up the security of his income.
*I have no regrets about the choices…

I AM WHAT I AM…

Concert 22-Pittsburgh, PA. An Epiphany

Thanks to Christine Hammond for sponsoring the blog today. (Love ya!)

For more information on sponsoring a blog, go to www.livealifeworthcelebrating.com

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July 25, 2009

Concert 22-Pittsburgh, PA. An Epiphany

Hannah slept for the first two hours of the car ride. She spent the night at the DaGrava’s, our family friends. It was good for her to have time with Katie and with Karen, my friend and Katie’s Mom. But, she was tired.

I was all revved up with ideas of how to generate money to continue the journey. As Hannah slept, my mind was thinking and dreaming. I kept reminding myself that I had enough money for the next five days and to focus on that for now. Who to call, what action to take and when…lots and lots of ideas.

When Hannah woke up, I asked if she wanted to hear some of my ideas. First, I talked with her about vlogging, a video blog. When we were in Tulsa, we talked with a videographer for 90 minutes or so and it had been really fun to share some of the stories with him. We had laughed and reminisced and he had stayed with us for a lot longer than he originally thought he would.

As I discussed this with Hannah, she had a different opinion and we ended up arguing. I was so mad, I was ready to turn around and go back to Baltimore. When I look back at it with fresh eyes this morning, I feel the tension that was in the car with us yesterday. Both of us wanted to continue the journey, but we didn’t have the crystal ball that would give us the answers! Sometimes our fears are mirrors for each other.

We worked through it over the next hour and for now, we are going to move forward and each do our own vlog. Stay tuned. I have a funny store about the Honor Society, an Oprah campaign and my passionate conversation with them about this. I will record and post it in the next few days.

We arrived in Pittsburgh with no tickets and no hope of tickets initially. Concert was sold out. We hung out and waited to see if tickets would be released. I watched the BK Apple Fries employees. There is a managing staff that travels with the tour and then they have different people who work for them at each location. The guy who was working the megaphone, at this site, had no enthusiasm, no creativity. I went up to him and demonstrated. “Get your free, ice cold, apple fries. They are delicious and healthy and the Jonas Brothers Love them!” I was demonstrating and practically jumping up and down. He told me that he doesn’t like it when the girls scream and went back to talking into the megaphone like a sleep walker. Hopeless. I walked away shaking my head.

After several hours of checking for tickets at the box office, two tickets were released. We wanted to buy the cheapest seats to stretch our money, but these two seats were the most expensive. I hesitated for about an hour. Nothing else was released. Decided to go for it.

I walked over to the Marriott to use the bathroom. (Why don’t the venues have porta-potty’s outside?!? I think that East Rutherford, NJ was the only venue so far that had toilets outside for the people who were hanging out for hours! Okay, back to the story…)

I looked at the churches surrounding the Mellon Arena. You can’t miss them. They are huge and beautiful with angels and other huge statues on top of them. I saw that one of the churches was called Epiphany Catholic Church. With all of the internal thoughts all stirred up within me, I decided to walk into the church and see if I could have an epiphany myself! Epiphany=A Divine Manifestation.

There was a church service beginning. I sat down in the pew and listened to the sermon, sang Amazing Grace with the congregation, shook a few hands to “Peace be with you,” and then left feeling warm and connected. I felt the surrender in my heart. Whatever was to happen would happen. The priest even mentioned the Jonas Brothers and how they are using their gifts to create joy.

It was time to enter the venue. Hannah was already in the seat location and I thought, “well, this is pretty good. I like these seats.”

She was in a grumpy mood and I was thinking about how spoiled we have become with some of our seats and seeing so many concerts and on and on. I was judging her reaction and wondering what “wisdom” I should share with her to learn from this situation. I decided to dance and sing and talk with her later.

During the Honor Society opening performance, I kept moving to different seats to take pictures. The usher was bringing people down and I had to keep moving back to my seat. Even though we were very close to one of the stages, the camera location was blocking ¾ of the stage. Hannah and I talked during the break and she wanted to go talk to the box office and complain.

It was in this moment that I had an epiphany. I had been settling for the seats we were given and I was telling myself to be grateful for what I had. Hannah was saying, we paid top dollar for these seats and the cameraman is blocking our view! We went to the box office, explained that we had paid for the most expensive seats and that there was nothing that said that there was an obstruction. Within minutes, we were assigned new seats (even though this was a sold out arena) and the usher led us to our seats. Oh, my word! We were in the third row facing the middle of the stage and were so close that I was looking into the eyes of each of the Jonas Brothers.

Hannah and I danced and danced and sang and sang. We had one of the best nights of the whole tour. I changed my perspective about my daughter this evening. Asking for what you want is not being selfish or ungrateful. She was right. If the tickets had been discounted because of the obstruction, we would have had a great time there. But, to pay as much as a front row seat and not be able to see the stage was wrong!

When we arrived at the hotel tonight, which was free because of points I have accumulated, I checked my e-mail. I am receiving an advance in salary from a consulting job I do on the side. There is enough money to keep going for another few weeks and that gives us time to act on some other things that will take a few weeks to complete. Thanks for the prayers and support.

An Epiphany tonight indeed!

Jump!

Thanks to Christine Hammond for sponsoring the blog today. (Love ya!)

For more information on sponsoring a blog, go to www.livealifeworthcelebrating.com

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I went to bed last night feeling defeated. We are home in Baltimore for 24 hours. We are staying in the house that I thought would have been sold in June until the contract fell apart when the woman lost her job of 21 years.

My friend has a few nights to go home while we figure this out.

I have needed to pay the mortgage for three months longer than I had anticipated. We are living on the edge, not knowing moment to moment if we can go on financially. Several people have paid for sponsoring the blog and being a part of the adventure. I received a loan. I have sold some copies of a book I co-authored.

I have been unable to attract corporate sponsors. I know that this is a great advertising opportunity for the right company. An ad on the blog. A logo on our business cards. A logo on the car.I know there is a creative way to do this. But, last night I was discouraged and couldn’t see any open doors.

Two days ago, I connected with my sister and her family in NYC. She lives in Florida. We live in Maryland. Our summer plans created a moment for our paths to cross and have lunch at my favorite NYC restaurant-Picante’s on Broadway between W. 139th and W. 140th Street in Hamilton Heights, Manhattan. Delicious Mexican food.

As my brother-in-law, Pat and my sister, Joanne asked me questions about where and when and how, I had a flashback to several other moments in my life. They were all moments when I felt I needed to move forward with something even when I didn’t have the answers, even when I didn’t know the when and how and what. We are a family of planners and I am living in the now. I only know a day or two in advance. I know where the Jonas Brothers are going for their concerts, but I do not know how I will get there.

During the conversation, I had a flashback to when I decided to home school my children in 1996, I had been seriously ill for two years. At the moment of this epiphany, I was laying in isolation in a hospital room, unable to walk. The doctors were not sure if I had a bacterial infection. I knew it was the new medication. I hadn’t felt well since I started taking it three weeks earlier. I had arrived at the hospital by ambulance due to the fact that I could not walk.

I vowed in that moment that I would get well. Every fiber of my being knew that I would love myself to wellness. I would take charge of this and I would surrender to the journey and find the answers. And then, as if a light bulb went off in my head. I decided to home school my kids.
I announced this to the nurse who was caring for me on that day. I announced it to my husband. They nodded approval and feigned interest, but their eyes said it all. They all thought I was dying and this was one last crazy idea.

I DID get well. I DID surrender and take charge and listened for the answers. And 14 years later, I am still home schooling my youngest daughter. It has been an amazing journey. My life has been full of a richness I would not have had if I had not followed my heart.

As I sat in the restaurant, two days ago, I reminded myself of this epiphany and we talked about the journey from uncertainty that led to the journey.

Last night, I read the comments on Hannah’s blog and my blog. I thought of the amazing connections we have made and I knew that we must go on! But, how…

I awoke this morning with words from one of Jordin Sparks songs when everyone says, Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump… Over and over, I heard the words playing in my head all morning.

If these were just concerts, just a frivolous summer trip, I would never have begun this. But, something is calling us to keep moving forward. You, the reader, are calling us to this journey. Hannah and I are on this journey for all of us. It is about following a dream, living in infinite possibilities, opening to inspiration and creativity. It is about meeting you and sharing the journey and finding new ways to sustain ourselves as we travel from one end of the country to the other.

With the uncertainty of where the money is going to come from, I am pushed and stretched to try new things, to ask for help, to surrender to the journey, to take action, to listen.

Hannah and I leave for Pittsburgh in the morning. We have enough money to get to Kansas City. And in the next five days we will submit a book proposal, contact the Maryland Film Institute to see if anyone wants to use our house for a film. We will talk with the realtor, consider renting rooms, call companies to find the sponsorship. We will surrender and open to the gifts of the Universe along the way.

And we will meet you along the way.