Author Archives: Andrea Hylen

Taking Care by Karen Porter, Guest Blogger

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Day 42 of 100 Days of Blogging

Guest Blogger Friday!!
Taking Care By Karen Porter
I do not like the phrase ‘Take care’. It brings to mind snappy orders to do this or that, “Take care of it!” I have a charge with the word ‘take.’ If I have to take something, it is not mine.  I do not possess it nor do I deserve it, for if I did, I would have it.
 How is that for backwards parochial school instilled, unquestioned beliefs?
Even though I feel a bit prickly with the words, I am at home with the action. I do take care. I take care of a family, a home (if you overlook dust and a few cobwebs), and I am taking better care of myself in the past several months than I ever have. I have also been a caretaker.
In 2000, my mother began a two year journey with breast cancer. I was chemo buddy for my sister during her stage 4 breast cancer process (she will be three years post surgery in September). My aunt died from a brain tumor two years ago. Her process from first symptom to death was nine weeks. My father passed away two months ago after willing himself to die for the eleven years following my mother’s passing. It was eleven very long years.
In other areas of life, I am a caretaker. I make Christmas happen for my family and my husband’s family. I distribute family photos, keepsakes, recipes. I keep traditions going and encourage new ones to begin. Because I witnessed the conditions of my sons’ orphanages, for twenty years I raised money and sent relief supplies to many institutions in the former Soviet Union.
Most of this I did without considering how to take care of myself. I was hard-pressed to identify any activity or thing that I wanted or that would make me happy. My focus was on others. That’s what I was taught to do. Haven’t you heard the “Joy” acronym? Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last of all. GRRRR. How ass-backwards is that?
How many things do we tell ourselves that we would never think of uttering to a stranger? How unkindly do we judge ourselves while we are sympathetic and understanding of the struggles and frailties of our friends? I had to consciously cut myself slack and practice being gentle with myself. That was the beginning of taking care of me.  
I learned to celebrate what is. I did not lose as much weight as I wanted to lose this past year. Guess what. I maintained what I had lost and did not gain any of the weight back. I am eating healthfully and I feel better. I addressed the medical issues that came up and have made life changes to support my health and well-being.
One month ago, my dear sister-in-law, Peggy, was diagnosed with leukemia, AML, and admitted to Johns Hopkins Hospital. The prognosis is poor. Chemo has damaged her kidneys. Her heart rhythm is affected by one of the drugs. After two rounds of chemo, there is still 10% leukemia in her bone marrow (the goal is 0% and no bone marrow transplant will be considered with higher than 5%). She has bad days and better days. I have been spending time with her during procedures and just to sit and talk. She has been told that she could be in the hospital for three months. She may never leave the hospital.
This week, my family leaves for a dream vacation. My in-laws are taking the entire family, their four children and each of their families on a cruise. We are going early to have a week before the cruise. We found a five bedroom villa and plan to relax, enjoy, eat, write, and sightsee or not. My brother and sister in law had been invited. Experiencing life in Europe is on Peggy’s bucket list. I told her, next summer, just pick the country, Italy or France and I’ll find a rental and it will happen.
I am torn about leaving. How can I go and have fun, keep living my life and enjoying it while we don’t know what will be happening in Baltimore? Our staying here will not affect treatment or outcome. I know that. So, what I plan to do is take my flip cam and post a video blog for Peggy. I’ll record ladies at the market yelling at me to stop taking their pictures. I’ll shoot the steep steps leading up to a mountaintop ruin and then ask into the camera, “Do I LOOK like a mountain goat?”  
There is so little good news, uplifting activities, laughter. I try to make our time together light. I read “Murder in the Dog Park,” loved it and passed it on. Peggy really liked it so I suggested Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series for her daughters to bring in. I see the video diary as a way to connect and engage and visit while we are away.
So even though I don’t like the term, I do continue to take care of myself and others. Maybe if I shift from taking care being something I do to how I am, take it from doing to being, it could feel different. As part of my nature, I care for myself and I care for others. I used to say that taking care of myself wasn’t even on my ‘to do’ list. Now that self care is a more established way of living, naturally a part of my day, I have stopped seeing it as a chore. That is progress. It feels different and better.
I don’t have to take care.
I am care.
I give care.
I receive care.
Care is: Caring. Care on. 
*Interesting that the town we are going to is Caramany. 
Karen Porter is the President of the Board of Directors for Heal My Voice. www.healmyvoice.org
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Receiving: Week 1 of a New Practice

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Day 41 of 100 Days of Blogging

I am practicing receiving and all of my housemates are participating in various ways. (see blog from July 4, 2013)

*No housework.
*No laundry. (I have to ask someone in the house to do my laundry)
*My breakfast is prepared for me.
*5am coffee. Someone is getting up every morning to make my coffee.

*****

Today was the 8th day of receiving coffee from my housemates. Five people have awakened at 5am to make my coffee and SERVE it to me while I am preparing for the Sacred Sanctuary Writing Space for Heal My Voice writers and authors.

Each experience of receiving has been completely different.

Day 1 Allegra. She came out of her room like a focused bolt of lightning. This was her purpose. She and I were Buddhist Monks. We were each here serving God. Her morning job was coffee. My job was to prepare for the meditation. I opened my heart to receive. There was a sacredness to our exchange.

Day 2. Laurel. I felt guilty and embarrassed. Laurel had prepared an evening of food and games the night before. I was not feeling well and went to bed without any explanation. So, here she was getting up after four hours of sleep to serve me coffee. She was kind, sleepily focused and checked to see if I needed anything else. (The discomfort was in me and I refrained from saying anything about the night before. Focus on receiving no matter what my actions were.)

Day 3. Damian. We had a 2 hour conversation the night before about why I have trouble receiving. It came down to not wanting to inconvenience people and feeling like I have to give 10 times before I can ask for or receive one thing from anyone. Self-sacrifice is at a deep level.

When I asked him what the experience was for him; getting up on a Sunday morning, the only day he could sleep in and serving me coffee at 5am, he paused…a long pause. He said, “What if I told you it was an inconvenience but I was going to do it anyway.” I started to laugh out loud. Uncontrollable, side splitting, belly laugh. Waves and waves of this!

What a concept! That in relationships, we do things that are inconvenient because we value and care about the person and we do things to support them. This was a practice in receiving! To receive even though I knew that this was inconveniencing the other person.

Damian set his alarm. Prepared the coffee and then checked with me on two details, whispering the questions to me as if any question would disturb my process of preparing for the Sacred Sanctuary Space. He wanted to make sure he had the coffee and the proportion of cream just right.

Day 4. Andreas. I already had a story made up that he was too busy, that he would forget, that he had a meeting that lasted until midnight and wouldn’t be able to get up. He was also the only person who didn’t mention the coffee to me yesterday. He had the coffeepot prepared so he could push the button and focus on me. He came into the dining room to give me a hug and ask me how I was doing. He served me coffee in my favorite mug and brought water in my favorite cup. Attention to detail and focused on me.

Day 5 Andreas. No coffee. He came down at 6:15am, apologized and let me know that he overslept. When he didn’t arrive, to make the coffee, I decided that I could make up a variety of stories about why he was not making my coffee.  I observed the thoughts then moved into making my own coffee. The coffeepot was already set up and all I had to do was push the button and the coffee was made.

I connected with the feelings. Coffee. Not so many feelings. Reflecting on it as an exercise. Other things…If I was relying on him to take me to the airport, I would have knocked on his door to wake him up. And there were other things where I would have felt abandoned, unsupported, unseen. It doesn’t feel good. I can see where I have limited myself from receiving because I don’t want to be disappointed. I lower my expectations. I stop asking.

The other thing is how powerful my mind and expectations were. Why didn’t I think he would show up for me?  And then, there it was…I co-created this experience with him.

Day 6 Rachelle. Her energy was happy and sparkly and serving me coffee seemed to fill her with joy and purpose. In a conversation several days earlier after Damian and I talked about inconvenience, she shared that getting up at 5am right now was an inconvenience. We both laughed and knew that we were going to practice this together anyway; to see what happened.

Today, I saw no evidence of inconvenience. If anything she was so filled with joy, she appeared to be floating from the kitchen out to the back patio where I was leading an early morning coaching call before the Sacred Sanctuary Space.

Day 7 Laurel. She is the person who has been making my breakfast almost every morning. It is easy to receive from her because her heart is so open and full and generous. She was up early getting ready to go to Oregon for a family visit and made and served me my coffee.

Day 8 Allegra She is going to be out of the country for a few weeks so she volunteered to make my coffee on the last day of the Sacred Sanctuary Space. It seemed so natural for both of us to be awake. Allegra and Laurel came up with the original schedule and posted it on the board. Taking charge from the very beginning of the Practice. Easy flow of giving and receiving.

So, what have I learned so far with receiving?

Giving and Receiving is an exchange between two people. The giver has the choice on how to give. The receiver has the choice on how to receive. The exchange can have a variety of feelings and it can be graceful, inconvenient, joy-filled and more.

It is up to us whether we allow ourselves to participate in the exchange.

Even when we feel inconvenienced, we can show up with love in our hearts. Even when someone is telling you they are inconvenienced you can receive with love in your heart. Shutting down receiving creates a disconnect from a flow in every part of your life. Love, money, sex, inspiration, and connection.

And the journey continues…

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If You Were Born a Woman How Would You Be Different?

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Day 40 of 100 Days of Blogging

A 3 minute video has gone viral. An interview with Dustin Hoffman about his role in the film Tootsie and a realization that came to him when he saw the woman he became on the screen.

His words:

“There’s too many interesting women I have not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed.”

Powerful to watch the awareness that he had. Take a few minutes to watch the video.

A short video of Dustin Hoffman

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A Journey with Leadership: Part 1

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Day 39 of 100 Days of Blogging

Do you see yourself as a LEADER?
In my experience, we are all leaders. Individually we are the leaders of our lives and we all have the power to influence each other with our choices in life. All leadership.
Reflecting on leadership in the next Heal My Voice project: Voices of Feminine Leadership, I remembered a palpable moment of when I moved from one style of leadership to another.
It was 1974.  I was in the 11th grade at Phoenixville Area High School and I was chosen as the captain of the show flags in the marching band.

Right before our last parade of the season and before the band camp where I would receive some guidance about show flag routines, the current captain had a family emergency and was not available to lead us in a local parade. I was thrust into leadership with no idea what I was doing! My first thought was to lead like a man using the stereotype of a platoon sergeant in the Army. I yelled at the 12 girls to straighten up, to present their flags with more precision. Stand tall. Straighten up. Sharper moves. Get in line. I was yelling the orders out and I was exhausted by the end of the parade. It wasn’t fun at all. I can remember feeling defeated and unsure of myself wondering why I had been chosen to do this.
At the summer band camp training, I had so much fun learning new routines and marching all day for a week. When our high school band camp started the week before school, I was eager to share the fun with the girls. While the other marching band groups: batons, rifles, and musicians were practicing in their separate groups, I decided to try another approach. Instead of focusing on precision and marching in straight lines, I told them I wanted to share new routines that I learned at the training camp. I focused on having fun, connecting the girls with each other, asking for their ideas.

In the afternoon when all of the groups came together to learn the choreographed moves we would do at every football game intermission that fall season and in competitions with other marching bands, we worked as a team. The show flag girls were connected and focused and filled up from all of the fun in the morning.

It was the first time I could feel the power of working as a team and leading in a way that invited every voice into the circle. Valuing each young woman’s voice and encouraging cooperation, teamwork and collaboration.

In the comments, share your journey with leadership.

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Alpha Chick: Andrea Hylen – Her Story of Transformation Question 1

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Day 38 of 100 Days of Blogging

Mal Duane, author of Alpha Chick interviewed 10 women for her telesummit: Awaken to the Alpha Chick: Positive Mental Shift: Living Life with Passion and Purpose.

This is an excerpt from the Blog where Mal interviewed me. 

 (Telesummit FREE. Link to iTunes Podcast)

Question 1:

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

Greatest Personal Challenge: Negative Self-Talk and People Pleasing. The greatest challenge, the one that took every ounce of strength I had was making the decision to leave my first marriage. And the main reason it was so hard was my dysfunctional pattern of people-pleasing and putting everyone’s needs and desires ahead of my own.

In my family, everyone was married for 50+ years. Marriage was honored and valued as a lifetime commitment. ‘Til death do us part. I felt there was an unspoken pact within the family. The words loyalty, fear and shame were attached to the big “D” word. You got married and you dealt with the dysfunction. If you were unhappy, just put yourself at the bottom of the list and deal with it. Even with a family lineage of alcoholism and verbal abuse and unhealthy relationships, divorce was never an option.

So, when I told a family member that my marriage was falling apart and I felt my heart was breaking, I was told, “you made your bed now lie in it.” No discussion. No questions asked. No concern over the words “I am dying inside.” It was expected that marriage was a lifelong sentence. No reason for early parole. You made your bed, now lie in it.

I met my husband at Temple University on the day before school. Both of us were transfer students and there was an optional “studying seminar” we both attended to start the semester on a strong foundation. Our lives were woven together in the first few weeks of school when we discovered that we both commuted an hour and a half to school and lived only 10 minutes from each other. Synchronistic connection. One day we found ourselves standing on the train platform together! Totally surprised. I became a member of his family instantly and we were married after four years of school, work and dating.

He was a functional alcoholic. Working a full time job with overtime, then coming home, cracking open a beer and drinking all night until he fell into bed. I was aware of the alcoholism in his family and in one conversation before we were married, he told me he would stop drinking. A sign of my people-pleasing. Do not confront anything that might be a conflict. Do not bring up uncomfortable conversations.

We moved two hours from our families, bought a house, worked full time jobs and gave birth to two daughters. The birth of our second child, Elizabeth threw me into a tailspin. In the hospital, I remember looking into her eyes and feeling this powerful wake-up call. It was like she was saying, “Okay, Mom. I am here now. Get it together.” Six weeks after her birth, I returned to work and saw a flyer in the elevator, announcing a lunchtime Al-Anon meeting. No more excuses. It was time to tell people that I was living with an alcoholic and to admit how exhausted I was from trying to make our marriage work. I felt like a failure.

The people pleaser in me had converted to Catholicism, walked on eggshells, suffered in silence, tried: cleaning the house, being cheerful, cooking Sunday night dinners, doing all of the child care, grocery shopping and more. My husband was critical and controlling and my own negative, internal self-talk had an ongoing conversation of criticism layered on top of his. Finally, I started to see a therapist and explore the family history of alcoholism and the dysfunctional behavior in my household.

By the time I hit an emotional bottom, I was isolated from family and friends, forgot who I was and what I valued, lost all sense of self, sleep deprived and suffering from a mild depression.

For the rest of the blog go to:
http://alphachick.com/guest-andrea-hylen

                                                                    **********

Andrea Hylen believes in the power of a woman’s voice to usher in a new world. She is the visionary and founder of Heal My Voice, a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering women to heal a story in their lives, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership at the dinner table, in their communities and in the world. She is an author, inspirational speaker and workshop leader at retreats and conferences speaking on Women’s Empowerment, Collaboration as a Business Model and Women Healing Together.  Learn more at www.healmyvoice.org

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True Confession & Secrets from the Lunaria Plant: Jacke Schroeder Guest Blogger

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Day 36 of 100 Days of Blogging                        

Guest Blogger Friday!  

True Confession & Secrets from the Lunaria Plant

 By Jacke Schroeder


What we used to call “true confessions” we now term “being authentic and transparent.” This blog has to begin first with my true confession.  Eighty-five percent of the time what you see is the authentic and transparent me.  People always comment that I am so together and positive, even inspirational.  That is me—85% of the time—because that is what I want to be.  But what about that other 15%?

Most of you know me as a mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, friend, coach, corporate shaman, counselor, energy healer, and as a Maggidah—a Jewish woman who speaks about the journey of the soul.  So when I questioned what I was to write about as a “Guest Blogger” for Heal My Voice, I immediately felt like hiding.  But I couldn’t hide from the Voice that boomed, “Write about your Shame!”  But the thought of telling you that I’m engaged, right now, in the most profound personal healing and transformational work of my entire life—OY, NO WAY!

In my clinical profession, we are warned against revealing anything of a personal nature to our clients. In our current world of fingertip access to virtual information, and since I network quite a lot, it can become cloudy where the boundaries are and should be.  Shame!  I heard myself saying I can’t share that!  What will people think of me?  What if they don’t respect me anymore after hearing about me?  What if they won’t trust me again, or come to me anymore?  Then the necessity to “confess” became evident.  So I breathed and calmed myself down.  I realized I am human.  You, and my clients, are human too.  The time is NOW for me to be authentic with myself, to truly care for myself, love myself, be transparent in my life and face my darkest demons. By sharing my other 15%, it will show that you and my clients are not alone in your shame, doubt, fears and darkness, and that you too can succeed in fulfilling your life dreams.  Now is the time for me to gain the personal freedom I need so I can realize all of my purpose and fully enjoy my life.  

What is motivating me to face the darkest dark? 

Foreigner sings my song perfectly!  “I Want To Know What Love Is.” 

It’s true—after spending a multitude of years working on myself—40 plus—I hadn’t gotten to the deepest core root, until now.  I’ve been taking more than a little time to think things over and better read between the lines.  It was Shame who revealed Herself to me.  “No!” she told me.  “No, I am not an emotion.  I am a way of behaving that you learned long, long ago.  I live as a construct within and around you, as if I am a cauldron within which you are dwelling and where you store all of your hurt and pain, as if I am a skin that you live in.”  Wow!  I didn’t realize I had been a Foreigner to my own self.  Familiarizing myself, and understanding what Shame is telling me, is a mountain I must climb. 

So, I put on an imaginary pair of glasses whose lenses I called “Shame.”  I began to look within and around at all of my relationships—how I relate with myself, my family, food, work, money, my body, with other people—all through the lens of Shame. This blew my mind!  I’ve always felt like the world was sitting upon my shoulders.   In my life there’s been overwhelming, numbing heartache and pain. As a child and into adulthood I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused. It left me hiding and oh, so lonely.  I don’t know how I can face it all again but I can’t stop now. I’ve traveled so far, too far.  I want to change my lonely life.

So I prayed.  I told G-d, “I wanna know what love is.  I want You to show me.  I wanna feel what love is.  I’ve got nowhere left to hide.  I know You can show me.”

Prayers are always answered.  Not always all at once, and rarely in the ways we might expect.  G-d likes to play.  Two weeks ago I traveled to the ocean and stayed with a friend.  When I awoke the first morning after arriving, I felt restless—as if I was a snake trying to slither out of my skin.  We went outside to her garden for breakfast, and as I sat down my friend placed in front of me a small folding table whose top was painted with two wolves—one howling and the other providing presence.  There in front of me was one of my Spirit Allies, Akira—the intelligent wolf.  She was letting me know she had come to support me, howling my prayer across the wind to G-d. 

I thanked Akira. 

In the past, and as recent as a couple of days before my prayer, I felt unsafe laying my “skin” open and divulging my kishkas, my guts.  I believed doing that meant someone would see that I was tainted; someone would see my “dirt.” And if my dirt were seen, then Shame would reveal Herself.  When Shame is activated, the sensations evoked are extremely intense to feel.  I really wanted to be open, authentic and transparent, but it hurt.  Shame is painful—physically, emotionally and vibrationally.  On certain occasions in my past I slightly opened anyway, but I noticed that immediately I left myself.  I sent my consciousness away from the pain, unconsciously hoping that the person I opened it to would do for me what I couldn’t do for myself—unconditionally accept and love me.  Ha!

Greeted in the garden by Akira, I knew something important was occurring, so I fine-tuned my mind.  My attention was drawn to the plants on the perimeter of the stone patio where we were sitting and with delight I recognized the Lunaria abounding.  Are you familiar with the Lunaria plant?  This is a picture of it:

Lunaria is commonly known as “the money plant.” I bet you’ve seen the money plant with its beautiful white “coins.”  Amazingly, the Lunaria, like Akira, were bringing me a gift of revelation!  I learned something very important about healing from them. Look at how the coins hanging from the wooden branches are covered in dirt!  So how is it that they appear to be so white, so luminous, and transparent? 

I removed one of the coins from the wooden branch and began rubbing the dirt off of its skin, its shell.  Suddenly, the dirty layers on the front and back of the coin separated from the coin and I easily peeled it away.  Look at the dirty skins lying in my hand.

Once the seeds that had been feeding the skin were exposed, they too fell away. 

What amazing healing metaphors were brought to me!  When the dirty skin is gently rubbed its outer shell can easily peel away!  The seeds causing the skin to grow can be released from its trap and Lunaria’s hidden luminous beauty is what remains.

Personally, I’ve been living inside a confined illusion unaware of the trappings at my deepest core.  As I face the dirt in my 15% and gently rub my layers, as I see the revealed trapped seeds of abuse fall away, what’s remaining is the authentic and beautiful luminous true me, Shining!

I had nowhere left to hide.  I could no longer hide. Now through the clouds I’m beginning to see love shine.  And…It looks like love is finally finding me. As my dearest friend, Nissan Yisrael aka The Monk recently told me, “The truth came through the Light and the Light ain’t goin’ away.”

So, Let’s talk about love. 

Hallelujah!

Jacke L. Schroeder, MSW, LCSW-C, founder of Corporate Shaman U, brings spirit to work and ties personal growth to the bottom line.   She cracks open doors of hard-to-reach places and the truth slips in.  Clients catch a glimpse of their greatest potential.  Her candid kindness, stalwart companionship and  unanticipated comedic delivery, reinvents one’s change process. Disciples become their own Masters when they invest in themselves as well as their businesses. How do you put a price tag on that?

Baltimore/Washington D.C. based, Jacke’s local and national delivery portals include: personal and executive leadership development, business consulting, customized workshops, classes and speaking engagements.

Corporate Shaman Facebook Page
  

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Messages From a Deceased Loved One on a Cell Phone Message

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Day 35 of 100 Days of Blogging

Messages From a Deceased Loved One on a Cell Phone Message

I remember the exact moment and the feeling of shock and confusion and love and gratitude.   It was early morning. I was listening to messages on my cell phone as I walked from the first floor to the third floor storage area. I was in the middle of preparing for my husband’s memorial service after delaying the service for four weeks to give us all time to breathe after a 10-month cancer journey that ended with my husband dying.

As I rounded the second floor to the first floor, with one hand on the staircase finial and one hand holding the cell phone to my ear, I heard my husband’s voice. “They cut me loose, come and get me.”Stunned by hearing his voice, I sat down on the stairs, took a deep breath and pressed the button to listen to it again. Cradling the phone against my ear, I closed my eyes and imagined myself holding onto him. It was the last phone message he left for me and I hadn’t realized I had saved it.

When he left the message, he was at the hospital calling me to come pick him up. Two weeks later, he would return to the hospital for the last time in a coma and transported from the hospital to a hospice center. After arriving at the hospice, he died 48 hours later.

As I listened to the words again, I felt comforted. His voice was relaxed, direct and still filled with hope, refusing to admit that he was going to die. I felt love and connection in his energy. How perfect to hear his voice, as I prepared the last few details to celebrate his life. After listening to the simple words, a few more times, I carefully pressed the number “9” to save this message for another 21 days.

Over the next four years, my husband’s voice would appear at the perfect moments. In times when I doubted my ability to finish some of the tasks left for me to complete. In times of loneliness, wishing I had a sounding board, his voice would appear letting me know he was near.

As I released our home four years later and released the personal belongings, I prepared to let the voice message go. (How many times had I listened to it when prompted by the operator message, “check expired messages and delete or save.”) I listened one last time and pressed the delete key.

It was time for me to let the voice message go and I was ready.

Everyone has their own timing for something like this. His voice is on video and audio recordings. This message was on our home phone. Trust yourself to know if you will keep something like this forever or if there is a moment when it is time to let go.

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A New Daily Practice: Receiving

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Day 34 of 100 Days of Blogging

Last night we had a house meeting in the community house where I am living in Venice, CA. Each of us was given an “assignment” to grow. Something that would take us out of our comfort zone, help us to release old patterning and to create a wave of personal growth and leaps in the house.

My assignment is to receive. From now until July 23 when I will be flying to DC for a week of work, here are some of the restrictions and guidelines to create more space to receive.

*No housework for me including dishes and laundry.
*Someone is assigned to make my breakfast every morning.
*Everyone is taking turns getting up at 5am to make my coffee and serve it to me.

Now, I am sure that for some of you this would be a nice treat. And I agree. There have been moments of joy today, like when Laurel made a breakfast of strawberries, blueberries and coconut cream made from fresh coconut juice. So yummy! And Damian did the dishes mid-morning.

 The biggest stretch today was when Laurel created a morning schedule and everyone signed up to make my coffee. I suggested they could prepare the coffeepot the night before and I could press the on switch when I wake up. But, no…that was not out of my comfort zone enough. Someone has to get out of bed 2 hours early to make my coffee and then serve it to me. (See schedule below.)

Andrea Coffee Schedule. So far, Allegra, Laurel, Andreas (yes, we have an Andrea and an Andreas in the same house!) and Damian have signed up. Damian is even getting up on a Sunday! The only day he gets to sleep in.

All day I have been “doing” things like leaving my dishes in the sink, walking by the full recycling bag, letting go of the task of cleaning one of the bathrooms. A job I do every Thursday.  I say that I have been “doing” things because I continue to go on autopilot and clean and then I stop myself and put everything down and walk away.

The new rhythm of the house is emerging with different people picking up my share of the work.

I have been feeling the discomfort all day and now as the day is coming to an end, I have consciously made a decision to open my heart and receive. To witness the commitment from each person in the house as they support me in receiving. To see that my value is more about who I am than what I do.

Stay tuned as I explore the edges of this opportunity to receive.

What is your relationship with giving and receiving? Post in the comments and let us know.

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Empowering Women Around Sexuality

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Day 33 of 100 Days of Blogging

A meeting scheduled in San Diego, followed by a quick overnight trip to Phoenix led me to rent a car from a local rental spot down the street. I walked into the small building and began a 30 minute process of renting the car intermixed with the most audacious flirting I had experienced in a long time.

It started with a yum sound, like ummm, ummm, “Your husband is the luckiest man alive to come home to your luciousness every night.” I let out a giggle of discomfort intermixed with titillation bubbling up from my belly to my mouth. It had been a long time since I had someone see me in this way or even to say it out loud.

I told him there was no husband. My husband died.

Not to be stopped, he continued with another yum sound and the “luckiest man alive to come home to your luciousness every night” was my boyfriend. Another giggle and a blush from me.

It was so unexpected that I was half in shock and half in curiosity and in awe of his bold move.

When I returned the car, two days later he was there to check the mileage and to flirt with me once again. I had rolled out of bed that morning, threw on jeans and a baggy T-shirt and no make-up to return the car before I was charged for another day. I did not have a single thought about dressing up for this man.

When he sat in the front seat of the car to look at the mileage I was standing next to the car. Pausing for a moment he started looking at my feet, then slowly moved his eyes up my legs. In the past, I would have shifted and covered up my body in some way. Memories of sexual harassment and abuse, male domination, and the disrespect of women would have raised a flag of “run away to be safe.”

Something compelled me to stay in the moment in a new way. Instead of covering up, I took the pose of a model, leaned back and fully received his gaze, seeing it as appreciation,  as his eyes moved up my legs pausing to look at my feminine body, including a longer pause at my vagina and breasts.

When he reached my eyes, I challenged him with a question. “Do you have a desire?” My eyes locked in tight with his. He replied, “I want to rub your feet.”

I laughed out loud and then told him I wasn’t really into that but thank you for the offer. In receiving the gaze and challenging him, I felt my power soar. I had not backed down from his gaze. I didn’t come back with anger or fear. I received a connection that focused on my sexuality.

Now, keep this in mind. It was in daylight on a busy street with cars and walkers and other employees. This was a one-time brief encounter and can not be compared to daily encounters with sexual harassment in an office setting or by a neighbor as an ongoing assault.

It really brought up the idea that in the past, I have been a victim of this kind of sexual advance and I had a new awareness of what would happen inside of me. I would shrink my energy,  cover up and play small instead of owning my body, feeling my sexuality, and taking charge of the situation.

I am on an exploration right now of how my sexuality has been shut down and all of the ways that the disconnection from sexuality has also shut down the Voices of women. On that day at the car rental place, I walked away feeling confident, head held high and owning the power of my sexuality and my Voice.

Post in the comments to share your experiences.

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I AM A 56 Year Old Powerful Woman

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Day 31 of 100 Days of Blogging

One of the women I live with photographed me after our morning house meditation practice. She wanted to show all of me. The 56 year old woman who owns pleasure, pain and power. The unveiling of me. Letting go of the “nice girl” with the smile. This is a photo that shows who I am and where I have been. No cover up. Raw, real, direct, powerful.

I resisted posting this photo of me on Facebook. I can see the lines around my eyes. I see a weathered sadness, a deep mystery, a few more gray hairs and an aging neck.

But, the more I looked, really looked into my eyes, I saw a woman who has looked life squarely in the face over and over. Challenging, embracing, inspiring, discovering and owning my power.

Take a minute today to look in the mirror. To look deeply into your eyes and see what is really inside. What do you see? Now, let it out and tell us what you see. Write in the comments and share your process of discovery.

Ain’t no stopping us now LIFE.

Bring it on!

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