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I am the mother. At night, I dance and sing and clap and cheer at the concerts. I talk with people and I have a good time.
During the day I plan out the next day’s drive. I look a week or so in advance and arrange places to stay.
I make phone calls back to Baltimore. Checking with my friend, Karen who is handling details at my house. A radiator pipe started to drip. A contract on the house not working out. I look at the bank account and calculate how many concerts we can plan in advance. I arrange the food, fill the gas tank, anticipate the next oil change, review the weather.
It is an honor to be of service. And at the same time, I am walking a new path for myself. I am sending e-mails to authors from our book Conscious Choices: An Evolutionary Woman’s Guide to Life. I e-mail around the authors around country while I support my daughter in her dream. She is amazing! I watch her determination with the blogs and answering e-mails. It is my joy.
And everyday I ask myself, what is my purpose? Am I here only to support her dream or am I also laying a foundation for me?
There is a balancing act for most mothers. The question I have asked myself many times, “When am I me and when am I a part of “she.” When am I the mother and when am I a separate person, named Andrea.
The first time I fully realized this loss of identity was when my oldest daughter was about two years old. I was sitting in the baby pool at a public pool and the mothers and fathers began to introduce themselves, sort of. The questions focused on the children. Words like, “ahhhh, she is so cute. How old is she? What’s her name?” No one asked about my life, my interests, even my name!
It was okay at first. I adored her, my daughter, Mary and then Liz, Cooper and Hannah. I loved to talk about them, my bundles of joy. I still love to talk to them and about them. They are all amazing individuals. (Cooper died in 1993. A story for another day.)
As the mother, I was identified as Mary’s Mom, Liz’s Mom and now Hannah’s Mom. No one knew my name. A N D R E A …
So, what does this have to do with the concerts? Hannah and I lead separate but intertwined lives this summer. I am known as Hannah’s Mom at the concert venue or as the mother who is traveling to 45 concerts with her daughter.
I am thrilled to support her and I am aware of the things I put aside every day. The book draft from last summer that is waiting for the submission paperwork to an editor, the six blogs in draft form that I haven’t had time to finish because I am running the errands, doing the driving, coordinating the next places to stay. Paying the bills, finding the food, cleaning the car. And as thrilled as I am to support her and watch her and love her, I have moments of asking, what’s in it for me? Like Kevin Costner in the Field of Dreams, I am brought to the edge every day financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I am not complaining. I am bringing into awareness the needs that must be met in some way or I will become resentful. I am aware that I love the concerts, the Jonas Brothers, Honor Society, the Wonder Girls and Jordin Sparks. I am aware that I love the journey with my daughter. I love the driving, the traveling, the listening and something is stirring in me. Words that must be written. A path that is opening for me.
In this awareness, I am sitting in a Panera Bread location in Baltimore this morning. With all of the errands that still need my attention and getting Hannah to the Honor Society Verizon event early, I am taking 30 minutes to drink a cup of coffee and write a blog for me.
I must have my own individualized expression. Sometimes the only way to get it is to decide and to commit to a time for me. I am letting go once again to trust that everything will happen today in the perfect timing.
All is well.