Andrea Hylen

A 3 minute video has gone viral. An interview with Dustin Hoffman about his role in the film Tootsie and a realization that came to him when he saw the woman he became on the screen.

His words:

“There’s too many interesting women I have not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed.”

Powerful to watch the awareness that he had. Take a few minutes to watch the video.

A short video of Dustin Hoffman

Mal Duane, author of Alpha Chick interviewed 10 women for her telesummit: Awaken to the Alpha Chick: Positive Mental Shift: Living Life with Passion and Purpose.

This is an excerpt from the Blog where Mal interviewed me. 

 (Telesummit FREE. Link to iTunes Podcast)

Question 1:

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

Greatest Personal Challenge: Negative Self-Talk and People Pleasing. The greatest challenge, the one that took every ounce of strength I had was making the decision to leave my first marriage. And the main reason it was so hard was my dysfunctional pattern of people-pleasing and putting everyone’s needs and desires ahead of my own.

In my family, everyone was married for 50+ years. Marriage was honored and valued as a lifetime commitment. ‘Til death do us part. I felt there was an unspoken pact within the family. The words loyalty, fear and shame were attached to the big “D” word. You got married and you dealt with the dysfunction. If you were unhappy, just put yourself at the bottom of the list and deal with it. Even with a family lineage of alcoholism and verbal abuse and unhealthy relationships, divorce was never an option.

So, when I told a family member that my marriage was falling apart and I felt my heart was breaking, I was told, “you made your bed now lie in it.” No discussion. No questions asked. No concern over the words “I am dying inside.” It was expected that marriage was a lifelong sentence. No reason for early parole. You made your bed, now lie in it.

I met my husband at Temple University on the day before school. Both of us were transfer students and there was an optional “studying seminar” we both attended to start the semester on a strong foundation. Our lives were woven together in the first few weeks of school when we discovered that we both commuted an hour and a half to school and lived only 10 minutes from each other. Synchronistic connection. One day we found ourselves standing on the train platform together! Totally surprised. I became a member of his family instantly and we were married after four years of school, work and dating.

He was a functional alcoholic. Working a full time job with overtime, then coming home, cracking open a beer and drinking all night until he fell into bed. I was aware of the alcoholism in his family and in one conversation before we were married, he told me he would stop drinking. A sign of my people-pleasing. Do not confront anything that might be a conflict. Do not bring up uncomfortable conversations.

We moved two hours from our families, bought a house, worked full time jobs and gave birth to two daughters. The birth of our second child, Elizabeth threw me into a tailspin. In the hospital, I remember looking into her eyes and feeling this powerful wake-up call. It was like she was saying, “Okay, Mom. I am here now. Get it together.” Six weeks after her birth, I returned to work and saw a flyer in the elevator, announcing a lunchtime Al-Anon meeting. No more excuses. It was time to tell people that I was living with an alcoholic and to admit how exhausted I was from trying to make our marriage work. I felt like a failure.

The people pleaser in me had converted to Catholicism, walked on eggshells, suffered in silence, tried: cleaning the house, being cheerful, cooking Sunday night dinners, doing all of the child care, grocery shopping and more. My husband was critical and controlling and my own negative, internal self-talk had an ongoing conversation of criticism layered on top of his. Finally, I started to see a therapist and explore the family history of alcoholism and the dysfunctional behavior in my household.

By the time I hit an emotional bottom, I was isolated from family and friends, forgot who I was and what I valued, lost all sense of self, sleep deprived and suffering from a mild depression.

For the rest of the blog go to:
http://alphachick.com/guest-andrea-hylen

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Andrea Hylen believes in the power of a woman’s voice to usher in a new world. She is the visionary and founder of Heal My Voice, a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering women to heal a story in their lives, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership at the dinner table, in their communities and in the world. She is an author, inspirational speaker and workshop leader at retreats and conferences speaking on Women’s Empowerment, Collaboration as a Business Model and Women Healing Together.  Learn more at www.healmyvoice.org

Guest Blogger Friday!  

True Confession & Secrets from the Lunaria Plant

 By Jacke Schroeder

I removed one of the coins from the wooden branch and began rubbing the dirt off of its skin, its shell.  Suddenly, the dirty layers on the front and back of the coin separated from the coin and I easily peeled it away.  Look at the dirty skins lying in my hand.

Last night we had a house meeting in the community house where I am living in Venice, CA. Each of us was given an “assignment” to grow. Something that would take us out of our comfort zone, help us to release old patterning and to create a wave of personal growth and leaps in the house.

My assignment is to receive. From now until July 23 when I will be flying to DC for a week of work, here are some of the restrictions and guidelines to create more space to receive.

*No housework for me including dishes and laundry.
*Someone is assigned to make my breakfast every morning.
*Everyone is taking turns getting up at 5am to make my coffee and serve it to me.

Now, I am sure that for some of you this would be a nice treat. And I agree. There have been moments of joy today, like when Laurel made a breakfast of strawberries, blueberries and coconut cream made from fresh coconut juice. So yummy! And Damian did the dishes mid-morning.

 The biggest stretch today was when Laurel created a morning schedule and everyone signed up to make my coffee. I suggested they could prepare the coffeepot the night before and I could press the on switch when I wake up. But, no…that was not out of my comfort zone enough. Someone has to get out of bed 2 hours early to make my coffee and then serve it to me. (See schedule below.)

Andrea Coffee Schedule. So far, Allegra, Laurel, Andreas (yes, we have an Andrea and an Andreas in the same house!) and Damian have signed up. Damian is even getting up on a Sunday! The only day he gets to sleep in.

All day I have been “doing” things like leaving my dishes in the sink, walking by the full recycling bag, letting go of the task of cleaning one of the bathrooms. A job I do every Thursday.  I say that I have been “doing” things because I continue to go on autopilot and clean and then I stop myself and put everything down and walk away.

The new rhythm of the house is emerging with different people picking up my share of the work.

I have been feeling the discomfort all day and now as the day is coming to an end, I have consciously made a decision to open my heart and receive. To witness the commitment from each person in the house as they support me in receiving. To see that my value is more about who I am than what I do.

Stay tuned as I explore the edges of this opportunity to receive.

What is your relationship with giving and receiving? Post in the comments and let us know.

A meeting scheduled in San Diego, followed by a quick overnight trip to Phoenix led me to rent a car from a local rental spot down the street. I walked into the small building and began a 30 minute process of renting the car intermixed with the most audacious flirting I had experienced in a long time.

It started with a yum sound, like ummm, ummm, “Your husband is the luckiest man alive to come home to your luciousness every night.” I let out a giggle of discomfort intermixed with titillation bubbling up from my belly to my mouth. It had been a long time since I had someone see me in this way or even to say it out loud.

I told him there was no husband. My husband died.

Not to be stopped, he continued with another yum sound and the “luckiest man alive to come home to your luciousness every night” was my boyfriend. Another giggle and a blush from me.

It was so unexpected that I was half in shock and half in curiosity and in awe of his bold move.

When I returned the car, two days later he was there to check the mileage and to flirt with me once again. I had rolled out of bed that morning, threw on jeans and a baggy T-shirt and no make-up to return the car before I was charged for another day. I did not have a single thought about dressing up for this man.

When he sat in the front seat of the car to look at the mileage I was standing next to the car. Pausing for a moment he started looking at my feet, then slowly moved his eyes up my legs. In the past, I would have shifted and covered up my body in some way. Memories of sexual harassment and abuse, male domination, and the disrespect of women would have raised a flag of “run away to be safe.”

Something compelled me to stay in the moment in a new way. Instead of covering up, I took the pose of a model, leaned back and fully received his gaze, seeing it as appreciation,  as his eyes moved up my legs pausing to look at my feminine body, including a longer pause at my vagina and breasts.

When he reached my eyes, I challenged him with a question. “Do you have a desire?” My eyes locked in tight with his. He replied, “I want to rub your feet.”

I laughed out loud and then told him I wasn’t really into that but thank you for the offer. In receiving the gaze and challenging him, I felt my power soar. I had not backed down from his gaze. I didn’t come back with anger or fear. I received a connection that focused on my sexuality.

Now, keep this in mind. It was in daylight on a busy street with cars and walkers and other employees. This was a one-time brief encounter and can not be compared to daily encounters with sexual harassment in an office setting or by a neighbor as an ongoing assault.

It really brought up the idea that in the past, I have been a victim of this kind of sexual advance and I had a new awareness of what would happen inside of me. I would shrink my energy,  cover up and play small instead of owning my body, feeling my sexuality, and taking charge of the situation.

I am on an exploration right now of how my sexuality has been shut down and all of the ways that the disconnection from sexuality has also shut down the Voices of women. On that day at the car rental place, I walked away feeling confident, head held high and owning the power of my sexuality and my Voice.

Post in the comments to share your experiences.

One of the women I live with photographed me after our morning house meditation practice. She wanted to show all of me. The 56 year old woman who owns pleasure, pain and power. The unveiling of me. Letting go of the “nice girl” with the smile. This is a photo that shows who I am and where I have been. No cover up. Raw, real, direct, powerful.

I resisted posting this photo of me on Facebook. I can see the lines around my eyes. I see a weathered sadness, a deep mystery, a few more gray hairs and an aging neck.

But, the more I looked, really looked into my eyes, I saw a woman who has looked life squarely in the face over and over. Challenging, embracing, inspiring, discovering and owning my power.

Take a minute today to look in the mirror. To look deeply into your eyes and see what is really inside. What do you see? Now, let it out and tell us what you see. Write in the comments and share your process of discovery.

Ain’t no stopping us now LIFE.

Bring it on!

Our Bodies, Ourselves was a landmark publication when it was first published in 1971 and it is still regarded as one of the best consumer health books (ninth edition published in 2011). This book inspired the women’s health movement and it inspired me to do an internship at WHCC, the Women’s Health Concerns Committee, in 1978. WHCC was the information source for the Governor of Pennsylvania in regards to issues concerning women’s health.

Seeing the original cover of the book connects me to so many feelings. It was the first time I really felt seen and cared for as a woman. It was the first time I had the idea that I could ask for better care, like a warmed up speculum or a less invasive procedure. It was a book about women empowering ourselves through knowledge, awareness and uniting together with our VOICES.

At WHCC, we hosted women’s circles with the focus of connection with our bodies. Women sitting in a circle talking about their bodies and feelings and asking questions about health, sexuality, vulnerability and power. In the circles, we taught women about breast and pelvic self- exam. At the beginning of the circle, each woman was handed a plastic speculum, lubrication, a small hand mirror and a flashlight. This was her “kit” of supplies to use in the circle and to take home with her.

We all took off our pants and sat in the circle as we all examined our own genitals. On the outside and the inside. We were taught the techniques and we were given permission to look.

I remember how special and sacred it felt to see my cervix and look at the lips of my vagina. To touch myself, as I moved my labia majora to see the vaginal opening. Lifted the clitoral hood to see the clitoris. I wondered why we didn’t encourage girls to look at their genitals. Why we didn’t give them permission to feel and taste and touch their bodies.

In contrast, a boy is taught to hold his penis, as soon as he learns how to pee on the toilet. Permission is received at a young age to touch himself, at least as a part of aiming his penis towards the toilet.

What do we fear about empowering girls and women with a connection to their bodies? Do we fear the power that is hidden inside?

I am writing this to tell you that there is something new waking up in me and I want to talk about sexuality and the power that is tied up in all of the rules and repression. I am reclaiming my sexuality and with it reclaiming more of my voice. It is time for the voices of  women (and men) to unite.

The conversation continues… join me and share your experiences in the comment section.

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From the website: “Our Bodies Ourselves (OBOS), also known as the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective, is a global nonprofit, public interest organization based in Cambridge, Mass. OBOS promotes accurate, evidence-based information on girls’ and women’s reproductive health and sexuality, and addresses the social, economic and political conditions that affect health care access and quality of care.”

http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org